Goodbyes are hard and so is my dick

 

March 19, 2024 

It’s been over a week since my “best friend” and I had an “argument”. I air-quoted the argument bit because you argue when both sides seek to share their sides of the story. And this is a one-sided story because when confronted, the other just chose to question it, get defensive, and slap an emoji on the conversation, rendering it shut. 

In the past few days, I went through our conversation multiple times. I came to terms with the fact that there was no need for me to blow up. But I hadn’t suddenly blown up either. It came after multiple tries to communicate, telling my friend of about 9 years that I’d appreciate it if she communicated better. Or did at least as much as I did [call once every 7-10 days]. 

When she called me on my birthday at 3 PM, I had already spent 15 hours of my annual birth anniversary, and because I happened to be around people who cared for me all that while, her not doing anything didn’t pinch as much. So when she did call and said that I had every right to be angry, I calmly told her that I really wasn’t - I was happy, but forgot to add “no thanks to you” after. Because the day wasn't about her. 

Did that sting? Not initially, but the more I thought about it, yes. I never mentioned to her even once that it stung to think that I went to visit her, adjusted to staying in her dump of a place, sharing her room with a roommate she didn’t get along with, with no functional food schedule or personal space. I didn’t say that it threw me off to see that she was living in a worse way than she did in college. Cramped, dirty space, her waking up and straight up logging into work, yapping non stop not giving a fuck about her still-asleep friend, getting up at 2 PM from her laptop to finally brush her teeth, you name it. I didn’t judge her for any of it.

But I didn’t mention that to her when we argued [read: I didn’t have the patience to keep up with her tawdry, feeble attempts at being present in my life]. I couldn’t put my decision to book tickets, planning to visit her, trying to make her birthday more special [it was the first we’d celebrate in 4 years] on her. I’m not counting anything I invested in to make her see that I’d do anything to make her feel special. I’m not even counting the shit I sent her the last time she went radio silent on me. I’m not counting the trip I took to see her when she came back from the US, either. Because the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter. 

What does sting is that despite me being the one who has the most trouble communicating, owing to my passive-aggressive parents who directly impacted my upbringing, I reached out to her even after she did nothing on my birthday, to tell her to communicate better. I told her, very politely but in a way she understands, that she’s working from home, and even with her flexibility, I’m doing my utmost to keep our friendship alive, despite having to actually go to work every day. I told her that I’d appreciate it if she made more effort. Or check up on me more often. And she told me she would. But as it’d turn out, it was just empty words. No substance.

What also stings, is when my friend of 9 years tells me she has a knack for reading palms and has read every Inki, Minki and Pinki’s palms but mine. Because she couldn’t find five minutes to sit with me to do it during my 5-day trip to her place.

So when I sobered down from the anger, I texted her that I’d be here whenever she wanted to talk. I told her that I loved her, but I wouldn’t be sending any more texts. I drew my boundary because it hurt to see her do nothing in return. And for the following week, felt like I’d lost her. Not then, but somewhere along the way.

Weirdly, it reminds me of Nov 2019, when she and I participated in a fashion show - something we had only ever dreamt of doing together. Only, during rehearsals, she seemed lost and distant as fuck. With me trying to decipher what I’d done this time to piss her off. I remember ending up calling her during exams, asking her what the fuck was going on, and she told me that she ended her long-term relationship. At that moment, I felt like I was being punished for something I didn’t even do. But when I look back at it now, I realise that she has these long periods of no communication where she’s wallowing in self-tragedy, and shuts herself off to everything, being zero considerate of how that affects the people closest to her.

I was speaking to another friend of hers and mentioned an inkling about our “argument”. They said, “I’m sure she’ll ring in when she’s feeling better”. And I said, “Like she rings in with you?” And they said, “When she ghosts us, I like to think that she’s kidnapped.” 

What does that tell you?

That even they don’t expect her to communicate most of the time? That they know very well that she leaves and comes back whenever the fuck she chooses, with no regard to how it affects her friends? Maybe. 

To tell you the truth, I’m not bitter about anything. If anything, I feel crestfallen. I used to bank on a “best friend”, but you can't do a best friend’s job only when it's convenient for you. Yes, I’ve not been a perfect friend either. I tend to get distracted with people I live close to and rarely check in with long-distance pals, but I still do check in. I try to remember their birthdays, or send them memes that remind me of them, and when my meagre salary allows, send them something nice to appreciate their existence. I’m not bitter, I just don’t understand that despite doing all of that, why would someone turn me away, tell me I’m complaining, and not even bother to respond - like I'm nothing to them? People show more consideration than this when breaking up with their partners. All I got was a high-five emoji that people mistake for a hands-in-prayer emoji.

It’s just incredibly disappointing to see someone you’ve known for so long, and don’t even feel the need to put in an effort into telling them that they’re being selfish. But, aren’t people sometimes allowed to be selfish? Yes, of course. People can be selfish when trying to protect themselves from someone who might be trying to hurt them. How am I telling my “best friend” that she should be a better friend to me, hurting her? 

Jim Morrison says, “People are strange when you’re a stranger. Faces look ugly when you’re alone”. Meaning that when you’re bitter, hurting, or not content, nothing will make you happy. Now I don’t wanna be all holier-than-thou about this, but of course, it’s something else that’s eating at her. Something’s always eating at this bitch. The only difference is that this time, instead of forgetting about the instances she was a shitty friend, instead of extending an olive branch, I hit her with it. I called her out for the lame excuse she calls being a friend, for not putting in any effort to talk, or for not acknowledging me the way I should be acknowledged on my birthday. And it hurts. It makes me feel like I failed as a friend.

Imagine representing the lower shelf of the bare minimum level, and expecting the other person to stoop lower to accommodate you. Because that’s what it felt like when she finally texted me two weeks ago, asking me to call her on weekdays now that I was working from home. It’s like the owner expecting their pet to cook for them for a change. Or the seasons asking the earth to take another rotation around the sun in the hopes of lasting longer. 

Actually, this isn’t quite right. I wasn’t asked to stoop down to this selfish friend’s level. She actually asked me to overcompensate for the lack of her own efforts. So, it’s kinda like arriving late to a party and getting mad that the food is over. 

May 31

00:17 AM

I just finished watching Mona Lisa Smile. I watched it for a second time today after first seeing it on TV during school. And when I opened my browser to shut this ‘stories’ window, I was intrigued by the title of this doc and opened to realise what I was venting about. Sorry, my internal monologue was very brash and chaotic. I apologise for ensnaring you in lengthy sentences that even I lose track reading. And call it a fresh perspective or just the after-effect of a movie on female friendship, but I want to get this in before I forget.

My mom and I unlocked a new milestone in our friendship recently. She happened to come across some of my blogs and read some of my decent stories…along with some of the indecent ones [wink wink]. It did blow a portion of my brain cells when I kept thinking that I put my mother through the imagery of my sex life and my understanding of it, but then, she called me today. And I picked up on the fourth ring. We spoke in our usual fashion, about the usual things. She seemed like she needed to rant, so I listened. And no, we didn’t avoid our conversations about my blogs. We spoke of it like two normal friends, and suddenly, I felt a bit more happy about my existence on this dying planet. All this time, I used to wonder if she knew the contents of the Lady Gaga songs I used to blast on our speaker every weekend and turns out, she wasn’t completely oblivious to it.

In the past few months, I have felt incredibly lonely, felt like I made a terrible mistake, felt like I will never be the same person again; like I don't practice what I preach [read: doubted myself substantially]. I felt like if I don’t have someone to truly speak my mind to, I will explode. And I did, explode. Realising that I asked for the bare minimum and was met with hostility. Overly confused about what I could’ve done better. Doubting if I made the right choice to set my boundary from a friend who just wanted to put in 25% in our friendship and not nearly as much as I was putting in. 

And I learned that every friendship is different. If someone’s putting in a quarter of energy in a relationship than they’re supposed to, they’re not terrible friends. They’re just not the kind of friends you should put 100% of your own energy in. When you lower your energy to match theirs, they will probably not even notice it - because that’s normal for them. Unless they’re a really shitty cunty bunch and have the empathy of a cat [no offence to cats].

I think I’ve gained a fresh perspective on friendship - something that hasn’t happened in a while. And I thought to myself, I’ve actually spared myself 100% of my energy which I can now re-distribute in my other friendships. Make them better, stronger. I now try to remember the birthdays of more people who make efforts to be around me. I try to call people not just when I need to rant about my bad breakups, because that’s what I allegedly did with my college best friend. I try to get in touch with more older friends, and let people know that I thought of them. And in a way, I have been given a fresh set of eyes and a lot more love to give back to the universe. 

In this time of loneliness, a few of my friends stepped up to assuage my loss. And I feel like I have been using a few of them as replacements. But I realised very recently that my job is to be a good friend. Be a good listener when need be, and help my friends problem solve when they need it. But it’s not fair to them if I expect them to fulfil 100% of my friendship expectations. I am far from a great friend, but as I move from this chapter, hopefully, I can take my lesson from this loss, find ways to appreciate people who give a shit about me, and communicate in healthier ways.

You will be missed. I hope you’re happy and healthy, and I hope you find your peace. I will always hold space for you, even when you made me feel worthless on multiple occasions. Because I like to believe that no amount of love put out in the universe ever goes to waste.