Morticia's Mid-Quarantine Update
Hello, my audience of the three people who pop in to check if I posted anything new. I hope you're alive and well, and safely tucked in your houses, and going out only if you need to.
How's it going wherever you live?
I hope it's not as bad as Lombardy(Italy) or New Jersey/New York(US).
Guess what? That's not the only places with bad juju. I have a friend who has super controlling and judgmental parents and she had to go home because of the lockdown. There are women working from home who now have to look after their kids, do their house chores along with the office work because of the stereotypical Indian outlook that males in the house aren't obligated to help with that kinda stuff.
Anyway, I'm gonna tone down the reality check a bit - I think your depression and anxiety already makes you feel bad enough, and I'm not gonna kick them out of their jobs.
Before I go on and tell you what I've been up to, here are a few updates from my friends:
Penguin has been on the lockdown with his girlfriend. Dude says he misses jacking off to porn now. I didn't know that was even possible.
Darlene has a weird love for statistics. He went through the entire Covid India website and said he spent hours there. Dude is sick with numbers. He told me that sometimes he picks up random numbers from cars passing by and does simple math with them.
Pyaaz's mom accidentally saw his morning boner - he has been living in that awkward reality ever since.
UPDATE: I told him I was gonna put it on the blog and he said that he lied about it. He added, "I know how to hide a boner. You just raise your leg to the same level. I have been jerking off since I was 12 years old, like a NINJA."
Sir Cringe-A-Lot glued a bunch of sheets of newspapers on his wall and created his personal photography backdrop.
Mr. B goes on a run every day and kicks my procrastination's ass. Last week, his girlfriend sent him a picture and asked him to guess what she was making. She told him that a correct guess would earn him a blowie at a place of his choice.
He couldn't guess.
On another note, he makes great podcasts too. Check him out here
Tatiana was watching the epic Ramayan that started to air at DD National (India's public service broadcaster) with her family and told me she got super disgusted when one of the women on the show said that a woman should be well dressed and makeup-drowned before she goes in front of her husband, and keep her husband in a good mood. She said she felt like she should start a blog about the ideals in the show, but the words hadn't hit her yet.
Tits sent me a picture of her boyfriend devouring a watermelon and spitting the seeds in their neighbour's balcony. Go boyfriend!
I know. I'm friends with a bunch of weirdos. But I love these weirdos. And as I've said before, normal people are too damn boring to write about.
Let's talk about me again. Here's the not-so-exciting stuff that happened with me:
1. I learned to make butter naans, cheesecakes, desi-Chinese Manchurians, and veg-mayo wraps.
2. Got in a fight with this dickhead because he got offended when I called him a gaandu on a Snapchat group.
Okay. I'm gonna prep you a bit on Indian Swear words. Ready?
'Gaandu' finds its root word in the Hindi word 'gaand' which means ass/bum. Gaandu means someone who acts like one.
However, in a more perverted sense, it also means someone who likes to get fucked in the ass. But because people have been using it out of context for years, nobody really takes it seriously. Except for some ling-ke-tope (dickheads) with a fragile ego.
Similary, when you call someone a 'chutiya', you mean that they're idjits, stupid.
But again, like everything in this country, this word is also downgraded to mean someone who loves chut (vagina).
There you go. You're welcome.
Back to me
3. Cried an entire day and night for no reason and went on an emotional rant about it on Twitter(I am PMSing. Take your judgment elsewhere).
I was talking to Darlene and telling him about my restlessness and lack of purpose. You know what he said? He asked me to go read my own blog. Ha ha. I love it when things come full circle, you know?
(Thank you for being a regular reader, whoever it is out there lending my blog your eyeballs. Your anonymous views definitely make me happy.)
4. Created an account on Pornhub Premium (it's free now) and treated myself to some graphic vitamin D.
5. Smoked 6 Esse Lights in 14 days.
6. Slept in only a t-shirt for three straight days.
7. Cleaned my mailbox.
8. Talked to my closest friend after like, 3 years.
9. Got super active on Facebook. Go check me out. I'm funnier on Facebook, especially after I blocked 18 of my family members on it.
10. Had a bad flashback from my childhood and sobbed uncontrollably for an entire minute, then went back to work on a college assignment.
11. Pinned 20 new fleeting thoughts on my thought-board. I'll be posting some here too, soon.
12. Got super dressed, put on my all three lipsticks all at once, clicked pictures and then went to bed.
13. Tried this kickass workout routine on The Weeknd's Blinding Lights. Couldn't move my ass the next day.
14. Got 1.5k+ likes on a YouTube comment. I'm wondering if I should put that on my CV.
No? Okay.
15. I told myself, "Tish, you're a daughter of the Earth. You're stronger than this. Do not succumb to materialistic pleasures" as I poured a mug of cold water over myself and pledged to give up using the geyser.
16. Got in a serious argument with a guy who'd been wanting to date me for the past 6 months. The reason - I asked him if he'd be willing to write e-mails and letters if I decided to go out with him. He said, science made progress to make communication faster. That was the end of it.
17. A fuckboy who proudly claimed to be a fuckboy texted me third time in a row. I thought he'd take a hint by now. Guess he doesn't want to - I don't know why.
18. Switched from Lays to carrots as a munching snack. Sometimes while chewing on those I feel like I must've been a horse in another lifetime.
Honorable Mentions: Woke up on a couple of mornings feeling my throat was too dry than usual and spent at least 33% contemplating if I caught the virus.
Tried to ration my cigarettes, but failed miserably.
Anyway, that's enough from me. Is there anything new you've been up to, apart from texting your ex? You can tell me. I don't judge. For the time being, I hope you're locked inside, subscribing to Pornhub Premium and treating yourself to whatever puts the wet in your sweat.
Remember to thank whoever it is you worship for the privileges you own and take for granted. Thank them that you have a roof over your head and more than enough to eat. Because there are people who cannot afford that luxury right now.
We're in this together. And if you cannot help your brothers and sisters in need, find someone who can. There are a lot of people I personally know who're distributing homemade food and on days they can't do that, they give out fruits. If you can't find such people around you, take leftover/stale bread/chapatis for the dogs outside your society, and if possible, a bowl of water. The temperature's getting hotter and unlike you and me, they don't have anywhere to go.
Remember - what you do might be small, but the ripples of your action will echo throughout the universe. Maybe you'll inspire someone, maybe there'll be no hungry dogs left. but of course, before you go out doing goodwill, make sure you're taking care of your sanitization.
Morticia out.
How's it going wherever you live?
I hope it's not as bad as Lombardy(Italy) or New Jersey/New York(US).
Guess what? That's not the only places with bad juju. I have a friend who has super controlling and judgmental parents and she had to go home because of the lockdown. There are women working from home who now have to look after their kids, do their house chores along with the office work because of the stereotypical Indian outlook that males in the house aren't obligated to help with that kinda stuff.
Anyway, I'm gonna tone down the reality check a bit - I think your depression and anxiety already makes you feel bad enough, and I'm not gonna kick them out of their jobs.
Before I go on and tell you what I've been up to, here are a few updates from my friends:
Penguin has been on the lockdown with his girlfriend. Dude says he misses jacking off to porn now. I didn't know that was even possible.
Darlene has a weird love for statistics. He went through the entire Covid India website and said he spent hours there. Dude is sick with numbers. He told me that sometimes he picks up random numbers from cars passing by and does simple math with them.
Pyaaz's mom accidentally saw his morning boner - he has been living in that awkward reality ever since.
UPDATE: I told him I was gonna put it on the blog and he said that he lied about it. He added, "I know how to hide a boner. You just raise your leg to the same level. I have been jerking off since I was 12 years old, like a NINJA."
Sir Cringe-A-Lot glued a bunch of sheets of newspapers on his wall and created his personal photography backdrop.
Mr. B goes on a run every day and kicks my procrastination's ass. Last week, his girlfriend sent him a picture and asked him to guess what she was making. She told him that a correct guess would earn him a blowie at a place of his choice.
He couldn't guess.
On another note, he makes great podcasts too. Check him out here
Tatiana was watching the epic Ramayan that started to air at DD National (India's public service broadcaster) with her family and told me she got super disgusted when one of the women on the show said that a woman should be well dressed and makeup-drowned before she goes in front of her husband, and keep her husband in a good mood. She said she felt like she should start a blog about the ideals in the show, but the words hadn't hit her yet.
Tits sent me a picture of her boyfriend devouring a watermelon and spitting the seeds in their neighbour's balcony. Go boyfriend!
I know. I'm friends with a bunch of weirdos. But I love these weirdos. And as I've said before, normal people are too damn boring to write about.
Let's talk about me again. Here's the not-so-exciting stuff that happened with me:
1. I learned to make butter naans, cheesecakes, desi-Chinese Manchurians, and veg-mayo wraps.
2. Got in a fight with this dickhead because he got offended when I called him a gaandu on a Snapchat group.
Okay. I'm gonna prep you a bit on Indian Swear words. Ready?
'Gaandu' finds its root word in the Hindi word 'gaand' which means ass/bum. Gaandu means someone who acts like one.
However, in a more perverted sense, it also means someone who likes to get fucked in the ass. But because people have been using it out of context for years, nobody really takes it seriously. Except for some ling-ke-tope (dickheads) with a fragile ego.
Similary, when you call someone a 'chutiya', you mean that they're idjits, stupid.
But again, like everything in this country, this word is also downgraded to mean someone who loves chut (vagina).
There you go. You're welcome.
Back to me
3. Cried an entire day and night for no reason and went on an emotional rant about it on Twitter(I am PMSing. Take your judgment elsewhere).
I was talking to Darlene and telling him about my restlessness and lack of purpose. You know what he said? He asked me to go read my own blog. Ha ha. I love it when things come full circle, you know?
(Thank you for being a regular reader, whoever it is out there lending my blog your eyeballs. Your anonymous views definitely make me happy.)
4. Created an account on Pornhub Premium (it's free now) and treated myself to some graphic vitamin D.
5. Smoked 6 Esse Lights in 14 days.
6. Slept in only a t-shirt for three straight days.
7. Cleaned my mailbox.
8. Talked to my closest friend after like, 3 years.
9. Got super active on Facebook. Go check me out. I'm funnier on Facebook, especially after I blocked 18 of my family members on it.
10. Had a bad flashback from my childhood and sobbed uncontrollably for an entire minute, then went back to work on a college assignment.
11. Pinned 20 new fleeting thoughts on my thought-board. I'll be posting some here too, soon.
12. Got super dressed, put on my all three lipsticks all at once, clicked pictures and then went to bed.
13. Tried this kickass workout routine on The Weeknd's Blinding Lights. Couldn't move my ass the next day.
14. Got 1.5k+ likes on a YouTube comment. I'm wondering if I should put that on my CV.
No? Okay.
15. I told myself, "Tish, you're a daughter of the Earth. You're stronger than this. Do not succumb to materialistic pleasures" as I poured a mug of cold water over myself and pledged to give up using the geyser.
16. Got in a serious argument with a guy who'd been wanting to date me for the past 6 months. The reason - I asked him if he'd be willing to write e-mails and letters if I decided to go out with him. He said, science made progress to make communication faster. That was the end of it.
17. A fuckboy who proudly claimed to be a fuckboy texted me third time in a row. I thought he'd take a hint by now. Guess he doesn't want to - I don't know why.
18. Switched from Lays to carrots as a munching snack. Sometimes while chewing on those I feel like I must've been a horse in another lifetime.
Honorable Mentions: Woke up on a couple of mornings feeling my throat was too dry than usual and spent at least 33% contemplating if I caught the virus.
Tried to ration my cigarettes, but failed miserably.
Anyway, that's enough from me. Is there anything new you've been up to, apart from texting your ex? You can tell me. I don't judge. For the time being, I hope you're locked inside, subscribing to Pornhub Premium and treating yourself to whatever puts the wet in your sweat.
Remember to thank whoever it is you worship for the privileges you own and take for granted. Thank them that you have a roof over your head and more than enough to eat. Because there are people who cannot afford that luxury right now.
We're in this together. And if you cannot help your brothers and sisters in need, find someone who can. There are a lot of people I personally know who're distributing homemade food and on days they can't do that, they give out fruits. If you can't find such people around you, take leftover/stale bread/chapatis for the dogs outside your society, and if possible, a bowl of water. The temperature's getting hotter and unlike you and me, they don't have anywhere to go.
Remember - what you do might be small, but the ripples of your action will echo throughout the universe. Maybe you'll inspire someone, maybe there'll be no hungry dogs left. but of course, before you go out doing goodwill, make sure you're taking care of your sanitization.
Morticia out.
Comments
Post a Comment