Part II - The Missing Dog

Fuckboy 101

What they say:

“I’m commitment-phobic.”

“Relationships suck.”

“My ex cheated on me. I don’t think I can get in a serious relationship right now”

“Let’s go with the flow”

What they mean:

 Hi, I might not have the patience to go through all the stages of dating before you let me in your pants, so I’m gonna tag along and flirt and be a promiscuous little bitch until we fuck. I might actually begin to like you after that; although the chances of that happening are very grim, but who knows, we could even get exclusive! Sounds improbable, I know, why don’t you sign up and find out?

Here’s the problem with most people who’ve been single for too long and let physical appearances cloud their judgment – the moment they meet someone even half as decent or someone who drops in some cheese every now and then – they let their guards down. Astrid was going down the same lane.

 

A week later

“Who’re you texting?” Lisa inquired, while they walked towards the food court after class.

“Just this guy I matched with” Astrid said

“What’s he look like?”

Astrid showed Lisa a Snapchat video Joel had sent from his visit at the dentist’s. He was showing off his newly-filled interproximal cavities (gaps between teeth)

“He’s cute”

“I know, right?”

“So what’s wrong with him?”

“What do you mean?”

“Man, I know a thing about these hot Tinder guys. I’m sure he’s one of those people ‘not looking for a relationship right now’ or is ‘emotionally unavailable’. Tell me I’m wrong”

Astrid let out a snort-laugh.

“Do you ever consider the possibility of stop being Sherlock for even a single moment?”

Lisa showed her the digitus impudicus

“Whatchu guys going on about?” Payton and Caleb joined them

“Guess who’s on Tinder now” Lisa solved the puzzle.

Payton led out a sly smile. “Yass bitch! Any interesting finds?”

“It’s too early to tell” Astrid answered.

 

In their group of four, Astrid was closer to Payton, even though Lisa was her best bud. Lisa was her safety net, was super protective of her, but Payton pushed her to try things out of the ordinary. She found the prospect thrilling. And even though she sensed disappointment in Lisa’s voice, she was more than excited to see how her tinder fairytale/nightmare unfolded.

 

“By the way, I have some goss” Payton was saying. Astrid was curious, Caleb was already on his phone, and Lisa was already plugging in her earphones. She had zero interest in knowing who was boning who in their class.

“Lees, earphones out. It’s rude to put earphones when people are talking.” Payton said, sternly.

“Fine” Lisa sighed

“I heard Natasha tried to lick her own areola.”

“What the fuck is a areola?”

“How is that even possible?”

“Only she can pull something like that off, I’m not even surprised” Caleb, Astrid, and Lisa said, almost simultaneously.

 

“Areola is a nipple.”

“Technically, it’s the dark circle around the nipple”

“Whatever”

“And apparently, she was trying to do a handstand when her mom boobs plonked over her face, and gave her the idea.”

“Natasha’s boobs are fine” Caleb fired.

“Are not. Have you seen them? Her chest looks like someone sneezed while pumping air in them.” Payton fired back. Astrid sniggered.

“Agreed. It’s like a massive uni-boob.” Lisa said, chuckling

“Tell me you haven’t thought of getting a mouthful of those, even once in the past two years”

“I haven’t.” Payton answered definitively. I’d rather have a mouthful of Noah Centineo’s dick.

“Guys, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta go return these books to the library” Lisa said.

“Bye, nerd. See you tomorrow.” Payton called out as Lisa got up to leave.

“Bye bitches. Don’t do anything stupid.” She said to the group, but it was aimed at Astrid

“How can I.. you’re taking all the stupid with you.” Astrid said, winking.

“I got that reference!” Caleb exclaimed. Being the cinephile that she was, Astrid believed that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take to quote movie dialogues, and Caleb shared her enthusiasm for the MCU.

As Lisa picked up her books and turned around towards the cafeteria door, she saw a strange-looking woman eyeing her. Is she a Professor? I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before - and Lisa knew every Professor. She gave the woman an uneasy look and strode outside the cafeteria.

***

 

Payton & Caleb were flatmates but barely knew each other. He only agreed to shift with him because he seemed comparatively less-worse than his other choices. Caleb kept the house clean, kept his business to himself, came very handy in procuring notes before exams, and couldn’t be bothered with all the late-night dates Payton brought over.

 

Caleb, on the other hand, was grateful for Payton. Payton was unlike any other male friends he’d ever had. Caleb’s friends in the dorm where he previously stayed were purebred dickheads. They wouldn’t ever miss an opportunity to show others in the dorm how massively loaded they were or how they had pseudo-honor or what a huge hit they were among women. Payton, on the other hand, was humble, grounded, and Caleb had never heard Payton toot a horn about how much he got laid. Caleb knew that he was, immensely, and on more than one occasion had seen girls come out and go and heard the door click early in the morning.

 

Caleb liked to be by himself. He loved every aspect of psychology and his passion for it showed both in class and outside of it. He first became fascinated with the human brain back in high school when he realized how markets work. He wasn’t much of a reader, but his curiosity pushed him to devour every book there was on behavioral science. He knew how supermarkets tend to influence its consumers and would beg his mother to take him shopping every time she went on a grocery run. He would seldom get mocked for it by his elder brother, but Caleb couldn’t care less. He liked to look at the overgrown assets of other women at the store too, but that didn’t even come close to his fascination toward what people came to buy and what they ended up taking home.

 

Some would say Payton was a people pleaser – he at least seemed to be one. He was amiable, joked around, and got along well with everyone. People liked him because he was soft-spoken and very agreeable. He had the je ne sais quoi that made everyone around him comfortable in no time. He could be selfish when he wanted to, but he was mostly very caring, especially of Astrid and Lisa – sometimes, a little too caring.

 

Among the four of them, he spent most of his time with Astrid than the others. She was the least problematic, didn’t judge much, was easygoing, and didn’t have strong opinions. Either that, or she didn’t give too many shits. Payton could never tell. Sometimes Astrid was fun to be around – especially when he wanted to have in-depth conversations about anything – or when he needed someone to share something personal with – or when he needed honest opinions. She knew all the pop culture references and had the best taste in movies – their entire class could testify to that. But the other times, Astrid was downright annoying. Payton had stopped keeping count of the times when Astrid had blown the gang off with a simple “sorry, I fell asleep” text, hours after they’d planned a movie night or a night out in the city. When Astrid spent too much time with Lisa, she became a Lisa – she’d start making notes during class, get super attentive, and like Lisa, stop taking Payton seriously. He hated it.

Sometimes he thought he should get a new best friend – one who wouldn’t get too influenced by people around her. One who didn’t fall asleep every time they made plans. Payton had tried to initiate friendships with some other women from their class on certain different occasions too, but they turned out to be far worse – although, they weren’t all bad. Even though they were too shallow to be good friends, the girls became a gossip landmine that always kept Payton entertained, and also the Wikipedia of Payton’s who-slept-with-who source. Over time, Payton had made these following rules which he abided by at all times:

1.      Never put all your eggs in just one basket.

2.      Trust and Effort are like blowjobs: if you don’t get any, don’t give any.

3.      But there are exceptions to Rule 2: you might have to give some first. Choose those exceptions wisely

4.      Don’t take yourself too seriously. It’s not like you’re gonna get out of here alive.

5.      The more fucks you give, the more fucked you are.

 

But when he looked back and thought about the three idiots in his life, he realized he didn’t have it as bad as other people. Sure, he barely knew Caleb, but he appreciated him nonetheless. Unlike his previous flatmate who was always eyeing who Payton brought home and why did they always leave in the dead of the morning, Caleb seemed pretty content not having to know who Payton was seeing/sleeping with. Lisa seemed distant at times and didn’t always agree with Payton, but he liked her for her honest, constructive criticism. Astrid did fall asleep most of the time and blew them off, but she was also the only one who brought Payton up from his sad/depression bubble every time he felt purposeless and meaningless.

Payton couldn’t complain.

***

 

Hours later, still in the library, Lisa shut her laptop and looked at the massive library clock.

Holy crap. It’s 8 already? I should head back.

Lisa got up, gathered her notebooks, stuffed them in her backpack, and rushed to sign out from the library computer.

“No books to return today, Ms. Singh?” the library clerk asked. He knew her well. Lisa frequented the library like a constipated person frequented the toilet.

“No, Mr. Sharma. None today, thanks!” she blurted as she rushed out.

 

Fifteen minutes later, a tired and hungry Lisa ransacked through her backpack for keys as her phone buzzed in her jeans pocket.

“All good?” Lisa asked

“Yeah, mom” it was Astrid. “I wanted to check up on you. You alright?”

“Of course. I actually just got home, so I’m super tired, but all’s good. Why?” Lisa was puzzled

“Hold on. You were in college? And I was watching the news and it said there was a burglary in your apartment building.” Astrid said, sounding worried.

“Seriously? Did they mention which block it was?”

“Yeah, the apartment was on the seventh floor of block B2. A family was living there. They said nothing was taken but their dog is missing.”

“Wow. Are people seriously stealing dogs now?”

“I don’t know. Maybe the dog fought them or chased them off …”

“And forgot his way back home? Yeah, that is likely. Dogs are super dumb.” Lisa let out a weak chuckle. She sensed her stomach growl in hunger.

“Ha- ha. What is it with you and dogs anyway?

“Az, you know I’m more of a cat person, right? Anything else just doesn’t do it for me.”

“So, you’re saying you like ‘pussy’?”

Lisa laughed.

“Yeah, I like pussy.”

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you sure you’ll be okay? Want me to come over? Or do you want to come over?”

“Dude, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I’ll bolt in the door and sleep it off.”

“Are you absolutely sure?”

“Who’s being the mom now? Also, I gotta go. I’m supes hungry. Later, love”

“Okay, let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do. Bye, Ass.”

“Bye, Lees.”

Lisa put the phone back in her pocket, still fumbling her backpack for the keys. She finally found them.

She unlocked the door and headed straight to the kitchen, when something caught her eye.

She turned to look at her tiny aquarium

She gasped as she mustered the courage to move closer to the aquarium.

The water in the aquarium had turned red, and in the midst of her fish sat the severed head of a white-furred pit bull.