Heaven, Hell, and the Super Bowl 2020

Prologue

God has left the building long ago. In Her absence, Gabriel the archangel is planning to start the apocalypse, that will achieve two motives - establish his authority over Heaven & Hell, and annihilate humanity. Unbeknownst to him, there's a certain angel and demon who've grown particularly fond of Earth. While angels and demons hate each other's guts, these two are secretly collaborating to thwart Gabriel's plans. Read what happens after the angel decides to go rogue.

Somewhere in Heaven

"I quit" Aziraphale announces as he enters the Archangel's office.

 

"What do you mean you quit?" Gabriel asks, bewildered.

 

"What I mean, Gabriel, is I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be an angel of the Lord. Speaking of, is She even here? How many decades has it been since the Boss even showed up? I cannot work for someone I don't even believe in anymore. I just..."

 

"She's busy, you know. Creating other multiverse and birthing more planets; since this project failed so disastrously - all thanks to your dim-witted, war-waging, hungry for power, racist, almost homophobic, good for nothing humans" Gabriel cut him mid-sentence.

" Oh, really now? And where exactly is this new universe? I don't see it. Do you? You definitely must be privy to God's Plan. Tell me, Do YOU see it?"

 

Gabriel didn't see it. Neither could he answer that question.

 

Aziraphale went on - "I tell you what I see. A bunch of morons running an establishment of tomfoolery and age-old traditions. An entire herd of blind celestial beings following a centuries-old manual because they really have no idea what the fuck is going on. Gabriel, do not tell me that you haven't questioned the status-quo all this while, because even you are not that stupid. Or, are you?"

 

Gabriel was beginning to lose it.

 

"You sent me on Earth to keep a check at demonic activities and curb any unsolicited human behavior. I’ve done the job sincerely for more than a century; and frankly, I don't see the point in that. Why do we keep interfering in human lives anyway? They seem mature enough to spoil things on their own. You ask me to come up with new plans to make them hate each other. Guess what - they already do! You said the plan was to birth enough hate that would make them realize that it's actually not worth it. Well, newsflash, it's been an entire century and they don't realize a goddamn thing! Honestly, I would rather live with them than here. At least they are free to do things that they love. I don't love what I do. Not even a teensy bit. You all have started to get on my nerves and I am not having any more of it. I will not be bossed around in this pigsty of unruly administration with no accountability and no..."

 

In that instant, Gabriel zapped him back to Earth. He'd had enough. He was already pissed at the fact that Az had secretly joined forces with a low-life demon and was clandestinely working to prevent the Apocalypse - the Apocalypse that would establish his authority over Heaven and Hell. The Apocalypse that would prove him to be worthy of God’s favour. Sure, it would kill a few billion humans, but there’s collateral damage in every war. Aziraphale was already making it difficult to set the chain of the apocalypse in motion, and now also had the nerve to question God’s Grand Plan? If he could, he'd strip Aziraphale off the status of an angel. Sadly, he did not have that authority.

 

After the Earth-loving Aziraphale decided to permanently shift downstairs because he grew fond of the sushi-eating, Justin Bieber-loving homo sapiens, the Archangel starts to grow restless. "Stupid minge" he mutters in a West Midlands accent “what does he see in those weak-willed, promiscuous, inferior creations who even God abandoned?”

 

Gabriel continues to rant without noticing he has a few interns following him, taking his pictures, and circulating them on the Angel-IM. The network up there was so efficient that Gabriel instantly hears a ping on his own phone.

He glances around and spots the interns giggling and snickering. "How would you like to work in purgatory?" he zaps the interns “enjoy the unpaid internship.”

 

Even though Heaven had started to appear bland since God left, it still enjoyed high-speed networks, Ultra 4K HD view of the universe, and fantastic air-conditioning. Sure, Hell and Purgatory had their own perks but Hell had a permanent heatwave going and one could be instantly killed in Purgatory. The application for a new suit took weeks, involved a lot of paperwork, and cost too much. Remember that the next time you wonder why monsters and demons seem eternally pissed.

 

But the incidents of the morning had pissed Gabriel to quite an extent. He decides to go out and ends up taking an unfamiliar exit to find himself in the Garden of Eden.

 

"Funny being here- where it all started" he mutters to himself.

As he strolls through, he reminisces when Eve made that blunder and thought to himself- humans were never capable of following orders. They just had one rule to follow - Do Not Touch anything - but she did. She ate the apple. And then he thought - it was just an apple - and by the way, was it so bad to know the difference between good and evil? What would he have done if he were in Eve’s place? It reminded him of how the same tragedy befell Pandora, years before Eve.

When Pandora was born, Zeus bestowed her with two very distinct gifts – the first was a sense of curiosity to set her apart from the rest, and second, a mysterious amphora (jar) to safe keep, asking her to never open it. Now, I’m not sure if Zeus was put into the Greek Pantheon to cause drama but anyone with even an ounce of brain cells would question what Zeus did. How can you give someone a sense of curiosity along with a piece of questionable equipment and tell them to never open it? Both Eve and Pandora were put in tight spots and made decisions even a fool could’ve guessed. And thinking about it made Gabe’s head spin. 

Was God… not to sound blasphemous or anything, incredibly stupid?

Or - was this Her plan all along?

 

No. That couldn’t possibly be.

 

Gabriel was confused. He hadn't been confused in a long, long time. Things had been spotty since God left, but he had, for centuries, tried to uphold the sanctity of Heaven, tried to be a good son. Even though many had lost hope, he knew God would return – and like any other ordinary son, he wanted Her to be proud of him. Yet, he couldn’t dismiss what Az had just pointed out to him.

 

Gabriel decides to go sleuthing.

 

Somewhere on Earth

 

Gabe checks himself into an old-age home in Miami, Florida. He'd read enough crazy-Floridians stories to know that this would be the perfect place to go undercover and find just how crazy people of the Earth can get. Florida was to news media what oil is to Saudi Arabia - an untapped treasure trove of crazy. Florida: where people sue the State for when found not guilty and which birthed the infamous Stand Your Ground Law*.

 

Say what you will about Florida, but it really looks like God took a moment to build it. And Gabe was totally not-hating it either. He decides to take a walk and see more of what people of Earth did. He looks around on his phone and heads towards the Schooner Warf Bar in Key West where the happy hours begin at 7 a.m. Yes, you read that right.

 

“Going somewhere?” the familiar voice and the polished south England accent was impossible to ignore.

“Aziraphale. Glad to meet you.” Gabriel muttered.

“Let’s save ourselves the formality, shall we?” Az said as he smirked to himself. “May I please inquire into the purpose of this visit?”

“An intern sent me a link to this Poo museum in South Florida. I was so curious I had to check it out for myself. Fossilized Poo Museum? Thought it would give me a laugh or two.”

“Cut the crap, Gabe. We both know you’re a shitty liar.” Az was clearly enjoying this. “Why are you here?”

 

“For the first time in centuries since I’ve been around, I was always told what to do and how to do it. I thought I was special. I was the one who told Mary that she’ll be bearing the son of God. That’s the way it has always been for me. I carried on the work after God left, just how She told me to. It’s not that I haven’t questioned why I do what I do before today. Do you think I haven’t thought of abandoning this meaningless charade and fleeing?  I have been torn into two, for decades, trying to do the right thing. But honestly, I don’t know anymore.”

 

Gabriel could’ve been honest and said this out loud. Instead, he just said-

 

“I’m here to watch the Super Bowl.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t believe me. You don’t believe in God, either. But do you believe in having a good time? Tell you what. Let’s go grab lunch. What’s a good thing for an angel to eat?”

“You do realize that we’re atomically incapable of getting hungry, right?”

“That doesn’t stop you from bingeing on curly fries now, does it?”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’ve been stalking me.”

“It was on Angel IM the other day.”

“So, you were stalking me.”

“Kiss my celestial ass.”

 

Az rolls his eyes. “You were heading to Schooner Warf’s? Let’s go there. Great shrimps. And if you don’t like the food, we can get some Coronas.”

Gabriel smiled to himself. Humans had no idea what was coming for them.

 

Schooner Warf’s wasn’t exactly the place Az liked to go, but he wasn’t in the mood for food. He doubted that Gabriel was going to like human food anyway, and there was no point in trying to convince the teacher’s pet to rebel against the teacher. What he didn’t understand still was why Gabriel would leave everything upstairs and come to Earth, of all places. Did he know about the apocalypse and that Az was trying to prevent it? No. That can’t be. Az and his friend had been totally discreet about it. He doubted that Gabe would share the reason with him but Az had to try.

 

“Show me the tickets”

“What tickets”

“Tickets to the game tomorrow, dimwit.”

“You think I need tickets when I can do this?” Gabriel transforms into the restaurant waitress for a split second.

“Don’t do that here. What are you, 5?”

“Don’t tell me what to do. I’m an archangel of the Lord.”

“What would the archangel of the Lord like to drink?”

“What do you usually drink in this shit hole?”

“I like beer”

“Beer it is then”

Az heads to the bar and orders two Coronas. Before he takes them to their table, he drains half a bottle and refills it with some freshly procured mead. He glances at the television in the bar broadcasting news titled, “Florida man bored, calls 911 to talk about Hitler”, which is being interrupted by an emergency transmission from WHO. Az goes back to their table.

 

The stench of the Viking drink was strong, but not strong enough for Gabe to notice, who was busy admiring a waitress who he thought was trying to flirt with him.

Az couldn’t help but step in.

“Are you done playing Romeo?”

“She beckoned me first, and her interest was very evident. I didn’t want to be rude.”

“Gabriel, all she did was read the specials. Were you even listening?”

Gabe broke out of his reverie. He’d gulped half the bottle down already. “Speaking of Romeo,” he said, half-dazed, looking at the beer bottle, “Nice fella, Shakespeare. I know him.”

“Oh yeah? I met him during his early days.”

“I know. He remembers you. Told me to say hi to you and your ‘companion’.”

“My what?” Az chokes on the beer. “How preposterous.”

 “He said your ‘companion’ saved one of his plays. Antony & Cleopatra, I think.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Az says, flushed. Gabriel couldn’t possibly know about his friendship with Crowley. “How’s the beer?”

“Surprisingly strong. I thought this would be shit, like everything else about humans.”

“Why do you hate them so much anyway? What’d they ever do to you?”

“Doesn’t it make you angry – the fact that God kicked Her favourite son out of Heaven because he dared disrespect Her priceless creation; and for what? Only for the creation to throw Her out to make space for temptation.”

“Easy for you to say. You weren’t forbidden from eating wisdom fruits from the Garden.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is, one can only practice self-caution for so long. Knowing what they know, without any divine guidance, it would be wrong to blame them entirely for doing what they do. In the absence of higher power, the best one can do is be human, whatever that is. That’s what you and I have been doing, I suppose. Tell me, when did you become so violent towards humanity? I’ve known you a long time, Gabriel. You’re better than this. The Gabriel I knew would never resort to cheap, devilish tricks to start an apocalypse just to prove himself.”

Az stops for a moment, wondering if he overstepped any boundaries. Gabe looks at him with reassurance and says, “Go on”

 

“I never understood how any why Angels became so aggressive. But someone who’s changed even more so is you - in Her absence, you’ve gone way out of bounds to show others how righteous and powerful you’ve become. You’re committing the same sin that caused demons to fall in the first place – by trying to play God. It’s not God’s ‘Ineffable’ plan anymore, it’s your own plan, and it’s stupid. You forgot that God’s plan is not as much about what we do, but who we are. And frankly, I can’t blame you for it. Without God, we all tend toward our own purposes, however selfish or devious that might be. Look at our Greek brothers. Zeus is the butt of jokes in all of Heaven. That doesn’t make him any less of a God though, right? My point is, we all make mistakes. We all get angry. But if you want to bring an apocalypse to annihilate the human race because of your ‘holier than thou’ attitude, thinking you’re any different from them, then you’re wrong.”

 

Gabe seemed lost in his thoughts. Az was on a roll.

 

“I understand that creating humans might have been the most stupid thing to be ever done. But it certainly wasn’t the first, wouldn’t be the last. And I get it; the absurdity of human life seems Sisyphean* at times, but even in the most absurd of their moments, sometimes, they end up creating something so pure, something border-lining on magic, something divine.”

 

“Let’s head out now. It’s about to get crowded in here.”

Az paid for their drinks and walked out with Gabe behind him – or so he thought. As he looked behind his shoulder and scanned the place, Gabriel was nowhere to be found.

 

 

 

Alone with his thoughts once again, Gabriel was mulling over Az’s monologue. Unbeknownst to Aziraphale, Gabriel had switched their beers. But even in his drunken state, Az had said a lot of things which struck a chord in Gabriel’s mind. He kept labeling Az as the rogue angel for forming an alliance with a demon, but Az wasn’t the only angel who’d gone rogue. Tired and heavy, he headed to his rented room in Richland Retirement Home on 13^th Ave.

 

February 02, 2020

6:45 p.m., Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

Kansas City Chiefs playing against San Francisco 49ers

 

Az sifts through a bustling crowd of Chiefs supporters and tries to track Gabriel, but to no avail. He figures if Gabriel bolted, he might as well enjoy the game and the Halftime show.

San Francisco won the coin toss and deferred, kicking off to Kansas City to open the 54^th Super Bowl. No sign of Gabriel.

Back at his room, Gabriel has been up all night. His phone has been ringing incessantly. But today feels heavier than every other day he’s lived through. He couldn’t go back to Heaven and resume being Gabriel the Archangel, not today, at least. Is Aziraphale right? Should I stay back and live among humans? Michael can take care of Heaven. But Michael is an even bigger dick than I am. No, I should go back. I’ve worked too hard to bring Heaven to what it is today – but what is it exactly? It is, like Az had said, an age-old institution following outdated rules. It’s in an even shoddier shape than the last season of Game of Thrones – and that was a disaster.

His internal monologue is interrupted by the sharp, cranky doorbell. It’s housekeeping. Gabriel looks at the 30-something woman from top to the bottom. Her name tag says Mary. Great. Another Mary. But why does she look like that? What’s wrong with this one? He lets her in and sits upright on the bed. He’s partly uncomfortable and partly nervous. He’s never been alone with a human before. He gets up to stand in the balcony but is also low-key concerned about the woman. He turns on the television which is running a story titled “Florida man bursts into ex’s delivery room, fights her new boyfriend as she’s giving birth”. He switches to another news channel running a similar type of news – “Florida man charged with Assault with a deadly weapon after throwing an alligator in a restaurant’s drive-thru window”. Yet another is running news headlined “Fake Florida doctor gives free breast exams”. He mutes the tv and looks at the cleaning lady. “The weather looks really good today.” He says, trying to make conversation.

“It usually is beautiful here” Mary says, in a strong Hispanic accent.

“I’m sorry, but are you alright?” Gabriel blurts awkwardly.

“Yeah. Are you okay?” Mary had just smoked a doob and wasn't making it a secret how weirded out she was by the gentleman in a suit who looked way too young to be living in a retirement home.

“I wish I could answer that. It’s a little confusing right now. Issues with my parents.” That’s the best Gabriel could do to be honest and not reveal too much about himself.

“Parents, huh. I know a thing or two about that.”

“You do?”

“I think so. I mean, I’m also a parent. You wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never talked about it, ever.”

“Your mother kick you out of something? Is that why you’re hiding in this shitty retirement home?”

Gabriel smiles. “It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Mary looks at him with demanding eyes and sits beside him.

“No, it’s okay. Thanks for asking though.”

“Well, whatever it is, as a mom, I think I speak for many other moms when I say that all we want is to do good by our kids. Yes, there are no perfect parents. Some of them fuck up more than the others. But it’s not like there’s a parenting manual. You think your mom and dad know what they’re doing? Hell no. Most of us here are just winging it. We’re far from perfect. And sometimes it can get ugly – very ugly. Maybe you will be angry at them for years to come. And very rightly so. But a friend once told me - to learn to forgive. In the end, it’s just not worth it. It gets too heavy. And before everything and everyone, forgive yourself. None of us know what we’re doing. And it’s okay to make mistakes – learn from them and get better. You may have shitty parents who don’t care about you – but you will be amazed to find there are, and will always be people who think the sun shines out of your ass.” Mary smiles at Gabriel, and pats his shoulder.

Gabriel was sad, happy, and overwhelmed, all at once.  

“Okay, I’m gonna go now. You be good. Get out of this miserable place.”

Gabriel laughs. “Yes, ma’am.”

As he watches Mary exit the room, his gaze turns to the muted TV broadcasting the NFL rugby soccer game and realizes that he totally forgot about the Super Bowl.

Az watches sadly as the 49ers quarterback misfires, giving the Chiefs a 7-3 lead. He wonders why he was even there – he didn’t even like soccer. He gets up, brushes his trench coat, and turns to leave.

“Going somewhere?”

Az turns back to see a smirking Gabriel. He sits beside the archangel and doesn’t know what to say.

“You tricked me.”

“You tricked me first.”

“You’re disgusting. I should’ve never bothered myself with you.”

“Save your feelings for your lunch dates. I’m not your boyfriend. You don’t think I was stupid enough to not realize that you spiked my drink?”

Az is not amused. The game halts as the players return to their locker rooms. The crowd is going wild. Az & Gabe look around, dumbfounded.

It was time for the Halftime show.

The angels watch as dancers in red, same colors as the players’ uniforms flood the stage.

“Who’s that?” Gabriel shouts and points out to the blonde dancing on the raised platform as she greets the audience.  

“Hola Miami!” Shakira yells and the audience goes nuts.

“Shut up and watch” Az yells back.

Gabriel watches in awe as the crowd cheers with glow-in-the-dark waistbands, everyone in the arena moving with the music as if something innate had been set off in everyone at the same time.

Everyone watches as the pop She-Wolf transcends into the serene Empire, and then jumps into an electric guitar-laden transition of Kashmir, the atmosphere charged with energy and passion and engulfing the spectators like a virulent pandemic.

“This girl can really sing. And starting so young at that” Gabriel notes

“She’s 43.”

“You can’t be serious.”

"Wait until you see the other one."

The stage goes dark as Shakira wraps a rope around her waist and dances to the 1998 hit Arab song Ojos Asi, and the mystically charged aura turned energetic with Whenever Wherever and ends up with her evergreen Hips Don’t Lie in midst of which she also manages to indulge in good old crowd surfing, throws in a traditional Arabic chant called the ‘zaghroota’, and goes on to do what an onlooker could only describe as having fun.

As Jenny from the Block swirled around the pole, Gabriel couldn’t help but wonder if he judged human beings a little too soon and a little too harshly. He looked around him, hundreds of ‘inferiors’, lost in a rhythm of their own and emanating a vibe so strong that even he could feel himself syncing with them. He didn’t know what was happening, but he was liking it nonetheless. In one brief moment during J-Lo singing Get Right, he could’ve sworn that the hair on the back of his neck stood up.

And then, he wondered to himself, “Is this what humans do when they’re not busy waging wars and spewing hate against each other’s religions? Is this the essence of leading a mortal life?” He couldn’t help but recall what Aziraphale had told him the previous evening - , but even in the most absurd of their moments, sometimes, they end up creating something so pure, something border-lining on magic, something divine; and that God’s plan is not as much about what we do, but who we are.

 

As the performance ended, Gabriel glanced at Az and motioned him to get out of the place.

 

“I thought about what you said.” Gabriel said as they went out on the sidewalk.

“You’ll have to be more specific.”

“About God’s Plan”

“What about it?”

“I may have taken a little too many hasty decisions. I want to make them right.”

“Okay?”

“You don’t need to conspire with your demon companion anymore. I’m calling off the apocalypse.”

“Wait, what?”

“Well, not for another few decades, at least. Maybe these idiots will doom themselves, Maybe not. But I don’t want to have a hand in ending humanity. I don’t think I understand it fully, but it was refreshing to see that they’re not all too bad.”

Aziraphale smiles. Gabriel rolls his eyes.

“This doesn’t change anything for you. You’re still banned from Heaven.”

Aziraphale’s smile turns into a frown.

“Farewell, Aziraphale.” Gabriel says as he disappears into thin air and back to his former commanding self.

Aziraphale heads to Schooner Wharf’s for a lunch appointment to give his friend the good news.

 

GLOSSARY

*Stand Your Ground Law: In Florida, if you feel that there is an imminent threat to your life, you can go ahead and use deadly force to protect yourself - you can go to the extent of shooting someone if you need to.

*Sisyphean: something that involves a lot of hard work but turns futile in the end. Taken from the Greek Mythology where the king Sisyphus was punished by Zeus for his infamous craftiness and cheating death twice, and was doomed for eternity, to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down every time it neared the top.

*God’s ‘ineffable’ plan: God’s will; the fact that only God knows what is supposed to be or not to be, and no one else.

DISCLAIMER: All the bits of news about Crazy Floridians aren't the part of fiction, but real news.

P.S. This is a fanfiction based on Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens, also a show on Amazon Prime. [One season, six episodes. You’re welcome]

Special Thanks to my friend Al for explaining to me the nitty-gritty of association football at Super Bowl and to my friend the Cow for rekindling my interest in mythology.

Haven’t watched the Halftime Show yet? Go watch it now!

 

 Also, before you go, here's a talented friend's rendition of Aziraphale & Crowley

The husbands together, enjoy art twitter pic.twitter.com/C1ProMe6K3

— NIRVANA // ACAB // CranialCosmos STAN account (@WhoShotMyCow) June 22, 2020