Mind-reading is a Complicated Profession

 December 26, 2021

It’s my 26th birthday today. Not a lot of people at school know that because I don’t particularly like celebrating [my] birthdays. Only my best friend Lisa knows, and she’s on the other side of the globe, so this winter, it’s just me.

As much as I hate celebrating my birthday, I do love to treat myself. I went to the nearest McDonalds and decided to order myself a vanilla cinnamon cappuccino along with my usual.  The queue kinda gave me the jitters, so I stood at my distance and drowned myself in my earphones. When my turn finally came and I took my earphones off, I realised how insanely noisy the place had gotten. As I turned to place my order, I heard something that totally shook my shit.

“God, I can’t wait for my shift to be over. I hate working on Sundays. I hate everything.”

It seemed like the cashier said it, only I never saw her mouth moving. I shit you not. 

I gathered my thoughts and placed my order. 

Then, it happened again.

“Why is she dressed like a homeless person?”

In my defence, I didn’t bother to dress up and wore the oversized sweater I’d stolen from my dad’s wardrobe, partly because it was warm and partly because I love oversized clothing. 

Undecided about whether or not to respond to the cashier’s comment, I took the order slip and waited for my order.

Can I say something really stupid? I love picking my food up instead of placing a home delivery order. I get an unexplainable kick out of it. This one time I had no classes, so I got into a super formal pantsuit (along with a silk scarf, button heels, the whole enchilada), just to come to this same McDonalds only to see if people would react differently.

It’s interesting what effect a dressed up bitch can have over people. Everywhere you go, people just make way for you, want to attend to you and want to make sure they don’t piss you off. It’s a really cool social experiment. Try it sometime, you’ll see what I mean.

I was lost in thoughts when I heard what seemed like someone else’s thought.

“I wonder if she loves me” 

Then another one- “Who the fuck takes their date out to a McDonalds?”

Then one which I gathered was of the kid sitting right behind me - “ I want a happy meal toy. I want a happy meal toy. I want a happy meal toy”

Was it something I had eaten? Or was I finally manifesting my wish of a split personality disorder? What the fuck was happening?

The more I thought, the crazier it got. In one minute, I went from “is magic real” to “do X-Men really exist?” and “Am I Charles Xavier?” and “Can I just listen to people or make them do things as well?”

Honestly, I’m just an average Jo. There’s nothing remarkable about me. Every day that I get up from my bed and don’t waste my time watching Instagram Reels is a triumph for me. But that also means that I’m not an evil person. Imagine if some asshole got to read the minds of people?

I made another observation waiting for my order. I could only listen to people who were in my immediate surrounding; not everyone. I always blame myself for doing a lot of things half-assedly. Now I have a half-assed mind-reading power. Figures.

On my way home, I began to wonder - it is one thing to wonder whether you’re an X-man, and another to figure out how to use your power. What am I even supposed to do with this passive mind reading? Join the KGB?

I went back home and thought it through. Is this where I become some sort of agent and join the secret services? Or spend the rest of my life unwantedly prying into people’s thoughts? I’m not gonna lie, I’ve spent most of my life staying away from people and crowds. My social battery has gotten even more limited after the pandemic. Was this some sort of divine intervention to get me to be an extrovert?

I came up with this strange theory a while ago which absolutely makes no sense but is fascinating. I like to think that our world is a hive mind - all our brains are connected and when in proximity with each other, an individual’s brain catches the vibe of the brain closest to it. So on days when you feel sad for no reason, or way too cheerful without any plausible cause, you’ve come in contact with the brain feeling those emotions. 

At work the next day, I could immediately hear what my cubicle-mate was thinking. Apparently she wants a raise, clearly doesn’t know how to ask for it and also doubts whether she deserves one.

During a team meeting, I could hear at least 5 people around me and it started to drive me to madness. It’s not like their brains were having one thought at a time - it was like a jumbled mess of feelings, wishes, conjectures and thoughts. Not just that, someone who was clearly tone-deaf was trying to sing too.

While getting lunch from the cafeteria, I heard someone and something clicked. A colleague of mine was mulling over the purchase of the expensive overcoat she was wearing.

Without even thinking, I said, “You look amazing! Where did you get this coat from?”

She looked at me, surprised, but pleased. “I do? Thanks! I was just wondering whether I should exchange this for something else.”

And so it continued. Sometimes I would get someone their favourite dessert when they were having a bad day, and some days I would just walk around giving random strangers compliments. This one time I sat down and had coffee with a woman who was missing her daughter who lived far away, on the pretence that there were no other empty seats in the cafe.

I eventually learned to tune out the collective voices of people around me, listen in overtime, and carefully pick one thought or feeling to respond to, and say or do something that would first bewilder the person but leave them pleased. Until one day.

I went on an early morning walk in the park close to my house. I switched to jogging, passing half a dozen men when I heard someone 

“I wish this jogger would trip and fall”

Before I could judge the asshole and turn around to look who it was, I slipped on a banana peel I had failed to notice and tripped on the joggers' lane. 

What the hell just happened?