Quien Será?

 

Curly comes over to my house for the night. We're going to watch Sex Education on Netflix. It's super late at night but I actually enjoy spending time with him so I don't mind wrecking my sleep schedule for a day. We talk, snack on waffles, and watch the show. Sometime around 3, we kiss for the first time. It is then that we both realize that we're both worn out and incredibly sleepy. He leaves.

The thing is, Curly & I have always been friends. He’s never given me the hint that he wants to be more. We have tons of things in common - the love for beer and black coffee being the things I love doing most with him. He's taken me to fancy new coffee places I'd never bother to explore on my own and I love that about our dynamic. Every time we go out for food, we split the bill like sane people. 

But here’s a sad and disturbing truth I just found. Curly has a nose-picking problem. My brain is squiggling just thinking about it. One moment his forefinger is tucking my hair behind my ear and the next, it's up there digging for gold. And when he’s done with them, there’s always a little bat peeping out of the caves. It’s like a mini Curly in there. It’s a distinct part of his identity now. It’s like when you go for dinner and you save some for a midnight snack. It’s like Curly needs his boogers more than he needs me.

That’s not it. He has a weird fetish about chest hair. His own chest hair. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a romantic at heart. I’m all about that running fingers through hair stuff - as long as those hair are on the head. Curly has a huge plush rainforest of natural crops all throughout his chest and he seems to be incredibly proud of it. I love that. But every time we’re making out and my fingers begin to explore he jiggles and wiggles like a goddamn tapeworm sliding through slime. 

That is still not the root of my problem with him. Every 20-minute interval, he makes a weird guttural sound. Like he’s choking up on snot. I think it's all the tar from smoking cigarettes,  knocking on the doors of his destiny to give him a reminder of death. It’s his own version of the Venom virus, yearning to take over. My deepest darkest fear is that one day all of it will come out while we’re kissing and making out will never be the same for me again. 

I’m secretly afraid he may not be human at all. Like one day I will catch him zipping up his human suit which is actually containing all his alien cockroach filling. Am I watching too many Men In Black movies? Or is this Curly’s reality? Who the hell knows?