Hard to Love, Easy to Leave

To date, it's been 1 year, 6 months and 5 days since I was in a relationship. Or I had someone I could turn to for good sex, cuddles and every sort of emotional need. He was good that way, my ex-boyfriend. No matter how fucked up and hormonally imbalanced he'd be, he'd counsel me, suck up to my tantrums and did everything he could. He did pretty well, considering he hadn't been in a relationship before.

And then it all fell apart. Again.

It's not that I've not been out on dates since then. I have, on several occasions. But there was never someone I could see myself being with. All of them were either too stupid, too smart, or just plain weird. And not the good kind of weird, the 'let's hang out at my place and Netflix something' weird. I mean, I'm always down for fun, but not that kinda fun when I don't even know your surname yet. I mean, keep it in your pants, Rajesh.

But that's the tragedy. Boys in college are just boys. And as far as I'm talking about ditching responsibilities, I'm dragging down all the genders here. Except for a mature few, nobody really wants any kind of responsibility on their shoulders. And I'm not saying it's bad. It definitely is not. You do you, boo. The real problem is when people would hurt other people just to satisfy their own endgame; when they'd play you and make you look like a fool in your own damn eyes. And there's no coming back from that. It's all fun and games until you wake up one day and realize that you've been played. Boom. At that moment, there is no place, no person, no activity that'll make you feel better about yourself. And it's just a downward spiral of loneliness, helplessness, self-deprecation, and depression from there.

Well, that's just one reason why people would shut themselves down and build walls all around- some people get cheated on, some think the other person's less invested than they are, some just give up on love, and for some, the timing's just wrong. No matter what the reason, you always end up thinking, will you ever find someone worthwhile again? Will you be lucky enough to find someone who'd kiss you with the same warmth, someone you could count on to keep you company at the dead of the night when nothing feels right; when all you wish for - is for it to end?

And then, just like that, you do.

You run into someone kind. Someone who's not as much of an asshole as everyone else. Someone not as weird as the others, and someone just the right amount of considerate. And when you've been around them for too long, you start to wonder how things will be if you were to get together, if they'd take care of you and mend your broken heart.

But no, you don't tell them how you feel. You're scared shitless. You don't want to keep playing scenes in your head and disappoint yourself. Because you're tired of doing that - being disappointed. You think about them when you're alone and then suddenly you can't breathe - because you're scared at the ridiculousness of the fact that you like them so much, that how beautiful it'd be if you could just tell them how happy they make you. But you're scared. That it'll all come full circle and you'd be left just like you are now - all by yourself.

So you sit there and do nothing and with every passing day, imagine how it'd be if you just told them that you adore them. You tell yourself, that you'd rather be hard to love than easy to leave. Because you'd rather not put yourself through all that bullshit yet again. And that being all by yourself, facing existential dread at 2.30 in the night is better than to love and to lose, again.

But then again, think about who you are, today. Think about who you were, one love before. Definitely not the same person, right?

And ask yourself - are you proud of what you've become?

Are you stronger?

Are you more thoughtful?

Do you take care of yourself more than you used to?

Are you putting yourself out there more than you used to?

Are you more mature?

Would you make the same mistakes? Maybe.

Would you love like that again? Maybe.

Are you ready to expose your tired, melancholic, bruised soul to another person just yet? Maybe.

Are you ready to be that vulnerable again? Maybe.

While you answer these questions and decide on whether you want to fall in love again, remember the fact that you're only human. And to be human is to err. To love. To forgive. To move forward. And to be vulnerable. 

I had a professor who once said that there's nothing more beneficial for the world than two people in love. You know why? Because when they're in love, they can't think of anything which will harm the world. They just fill the world and the aura around them with even more love(Except for Donald Trump. That orange is a lost case). And you know what? I'd definitely love for that to happen. For this cruel, harsh world to have a little more love in it.

But yes, before you go on taking advice from a stupid blog, always remember to love yourself first. After all, how can you expect another human being to love you unconditionally when you can't do that yourself?

And for everyone else who've already found love - well, congratulations, you lucky bastards. Go give your lover a kiss. Appreciate them. Make them smile. Sing them a song, even if your voice has the power to raise the dead, for they'll appreciate you anyway. Respect them and do not take them for granted. Do not take love for granted. I don't care if you live in different cities, different countries or different continents. If you love them, let them know. Life's too short to stay mad at someone you love. Feel blessed that you don't have to look for someone who can make you happy, no matter what.

And for everyone still on the lookout, I wish you all the good luck! Just, one parting advice before I go,

you've built enough walls. Try building bridges for a change.

To put it in more fancy words,

"Your soul is blooming with flowers. It's time to stop watering your scars."

I wish you all the love in the world.

- Morticia