Summer Nights / 清平調

 

"Change is a curious thing.

It is not an option but a constant. It takes place during conversations. In the pauses between thoughts. Like the spinning of the earth, it's happening as we speak, but it's so all-encompassing that it is largely imperceptible."

I wake up everyday feeling heavier and lighter, both at the same time. Heavier because of the thoughts that flood my brain as soon as I wake up, and lighter when I think I surpassed another day of summertime sadness. More like monsoon gloom. Monsoon Melancholy? Ugh.

Last month, I got a bunch of stuff for myself - including a tattoo - with a few more on my mind. I have to tell you about my friend Shels who went with me and allowed me to squeeze the life out of her hand. Pro tip: The insides of your bicep is a painful place to get inked. Looks incredibly badass though. Win some, lose some.

I got all the pores of my right ear licked clean. Even the hole where the ear wax is. If the dude had put his tongue any further, I think he would’ve cleansed my soul too [please laugh, it was supposed to be funny]. It was confusing, but I gulped my beer and stopped the tongue before it reached my armpits. I don’t know what secret sauce this moron was looking for, but he sure wouldn’t find it with me. No dice. 

every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith

People have been relentless with their Weapons of Mind Destruction this past month. Every year, I have to go through this chore of recycling memories with some motherfucker or the other because they refuse to do as I say and cause everyone to end in an awkward, painful dichotomy. I think to myself - will I ever catch a break from feeling like this? When will this end? I don’t feel warm or happy. I do not revel in my creation anymore. I feel like I’ve run through enough storyline loops that this simulation, this matrix has to offer. And I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I have nothing left to feel.

revenge does wonders for the will to live, don’t you think?

You ever feel like you want to take revenge on life itself, for being born? Is that nonsensical? It did sound better in my head. It’s like, I didn’t ask to be born and yet am supposed to literally pay for existing. So I might as well do it on my own terms. 

I’m not going to lie to you - it’s not easy. One minute you know what you want, know the path you want to follow; and then, everything seems motherfucking vague. Suddenly everything is blurry and looks scary. You don’t know who you can trust and who you can love. But you know what’s the worst? Blaming yourself for things and not being able to love yourself - even on days you need it the most because you’ve lived your life trusting only yourself and there is really nobody else who can make you feel better - when you need to forgive yourself but you can’t. You just fucking can’t.  

You see this person who you’ve known for years - its your poor, shattered, hurt, hopeless self, wallowing in self pity and sadness and there is nothing you can do to make her less miserable.

Is this the cocoon of transformation everyone talks about? Or a digression into becoming a sad fuck? Only time will tell.

"The inevitability of change, though, does not make it any easier.

Change is rarely without pain. It is about rewiring and resetting. Junking what you're comfortable with and embracing a reality that is still just developing requires a cocktail of steadfast resolve and a dollop of faith."